Hollywood beautifies sex via smooth love scenes and impossible to reenact porn. Most of anything sexual seen on TV is not very realistic to expect in the real bedroom. Unfortunately most children get some off the wall talk that fails to prepare them for sex and what they should expect. Other parents think that schools give enough of a sexual education that they opt out of having “The Talk”, but what no one teaches is what actually happens during sex. Yes, it is an embarrassing conversation, but shouldn’t knowing what will happen be more realistic than expecting a reenactment of a steamy romance novel or porn? Let’s stop being shy and talk about what you wished you had known before having sex.
Keeping things simple is best. Sex is one of the most awkward things you will ever do, especially at first. Forget those movies where the man flawlessly flips the woman over onto her back without missing a beat because chances are one or both of you will end up on the floor or with a concussion from the head board. In any type of moving, it will take communication and trial and error to make things go fluidly.
Preventing a UTI or Urinary Tract Infection can be as simple as using the bathroom before and after intimate time. Most women forget to tell their daughters this very important tidbit, but knowing can save a lot of pain and money from doctor’s visits. Also, always go front to back, while not everyone enjoys anal sex, it is very important to not return to the vagina afterwards. This introduces bacteria like E. Coli and can cause infections. Remember these two simple rules to prevent infections.
Sex can cause perfectly normal bodily functions. Because of the female anatomy, depending on the position, the penis can push on organs during sex. This is can be no problem at all or it can cause anything from mild pain to forced bodily functions. Yes I said bodily functions; a woman can urinate, pass gas, or even have a bowel movement if the penis happens to push on the right organ at the wrong time. Queefing is another uncontrollable female function that can ruin the mood. More or less air gets trapped in the vagina during sex and when released sounds similar to a fart but without the noxious smell. Yes this can kill the mood, no she couldn’t control it, but men the best thing you can do is not freak out on her because chances are you contributed to it. She is embarrassed enough at the moment. Just laugh it off and take a break.
The range of noises produced during such an activity surpasses that which could be counted, and while most of those are probably a turn on, there are a few that are just plain embarrassing. Once all the awkward movements are out of the way and that delightful rhythm is found there is a phenomenon which I could not describe any other way than suction cup belly farts. It’s akin to making farting noises with a hand in the armpit, but between bellies. While very hard to ignore unless there is loud music, all it takes is a slight repositioning to stop. Between that and the variety of slapping skin noises, sex sounds much different than that special that came on HBO last night.
Last but not least we come to the topic of sperm, yes that was a dorky pun but I don’t care. If you are practicing safe sex with condoms (go you!) then this is not something you will experience, but if not then sperm is something you need to know about. The vagina is not a bottomless pit, it will not magically consume the sperm released during ejaculation and make it disappear. It will drain back out, a very big surprise for anyone not expecting it. Some women may feel it internally and some may not and only find the physical evidence. Best to keep a towel by the bed for easy clean up.
